It has been over four months since I last wrote a blog post. It has been an eventful four months, to say the least. Pregnancy (only seven weeks left!) and all of the related preparations and doctor’s appointments that entails, job uncertainty for my husband Mike, significant restructuring around my job, rehabbing my first significant running injury, ailing relatives, and significant volunteer time commitments have combined to keep us on our toes this year. But by far, the hardest thing that we have had to face has been the loss of my mom to breast cancer after a seven year fight. Her health declined significantly over the last six months and we finally had to say good-bye to her in mid-May. While I am coming to some sort of peace with what has happened, my heart has been forever changed by it. That she will never know the little guy growing in my belly is something I will never be able to truly comprehend.
I have many more things to say about my mom’s passing, as well as all of those other things I mentioned above as well. With time, I will attempt to fill in some of those blanks. I have always found writing (and running!) to be a great way to work through complicated thoughts and feelings around all sorts of topics. With everything that has been swirling around my head in the last four months, my return to this small corner of the internet has been long overdue. But tonight, I have something else that I wanted to write about: #100HappyDays!
For those who are unaware, #100HappyDays is an online photo challenge of sorts, and theoretically, an easy one at that. You sign up for the challenge on the website, and then every day for the next 100 days, you post a photo of something that made you happy during that day. Truly, anything that has brought you a moment of joy can be shared – a get together with friends, a snuggle from a loving pet, a great cup of coffee, anything. You can post your pictures on any social media site that you choose (or just email your photos to the #100HappyDays curators), although most people choose to use Instagram. And that’s it. At the end of your #100HappyDays, you will have a nice archive to look back on of everything that has brought you happiness of the previous 3+ months.
After hearing about this challenge from a number of friends (and seeing the hashtag explode in my social media feeds), I decided I wanted to give it a try. At the time, it was clear that Mom’s health was declining significantly, although we didn’t yet know how little time she had left. I was looking for a way to stay positive and focus on all of the good things happening in my life despite everything happening with Mom and this seemed like a great way to do just that. When I realized that it was approximately 100 days before my due date, it just felt right – one positive thing for each day leading up to the arrival of our little dude. So I jumped right in and began posting my pics.
Two weeks later, I flew to New York to say good-bye to my mom for the last time. I am generally a very positive, happy person. But the thought of trying to find something, ANYTHING positive in those last few days was just too much for me. While my mom was in the ICU, my father-in-law was upstairs on the main floor for a week fighting a nasty kidney infection that stemmed from some brutal kidney stones. Two days after I got to the hospital, my lifelong best friend’s father was also admitted to the same hospital (five doors down from my FIL) to recover from reparative knee surgery. I was surrounded by loved ones in all types of pain. The thought of posting a picture of an ice cream bar from the hospital cafeteria just felt trivial and disingenuous. The only thing bringing me any comfort was the immense support network that the universe conspired to provide me at the hospital in the form of my always great in-laws and a friend who has been there for me whenever I’ve needed her for the last 32 years. But they were dealing with their own stresses and posting artificially cheerful photos of them just didn’t seem right. I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t in the mood to fake it. So I stopped.
Now that I have had a bit of space from everything that happened, I think it is time to start my #100HappyDays again. I need to continue to heal and the reality is, I still have much to be happy about. Baby C is healthy and in spite of everything, this pregnancy has gone very well. I have a wonderful husband and great friends who have continually surprised me with their generosity and kindness over the last few weeks. And while not everything is great (still sorting out Hubs’ job situation!), I again want to focus on the positive. I don’t want to wallow or descend into a hole. I am taking responsibility for my own happiness as we count down to Baby C’s arrival.
Today is my new Day 1. It is exactly 50 days until Baby C’s due date, meaning approximately half of my challenge will precede his arrival and half will follow in his wake. I can’t think of a better way to document this unique time in my life.
If you would like to follow along during this second attempt at #100HappyDays, my Instagram feed can be found here. I also generally share the pictures to my Twitter feed, which can be found here. See you there!